Switched! PTO Style
by Arcane Irony
Summary: Premise: The characters are stuck performing Phantom of the Opera over and over and over and they are all a bit fed up with their roles. Watch me have fun completely messing things up.
1. The Setup

Disclaimer: I don't own Switched!, obviously, because if I did I'd switch myself with a certain Broadway performer playing a certain young opera singer... Mwahaha. And besides that, this really isn't much like the show, so I don't really think they'd have a problem with my title...  
  
And I don't own PTO or ALW, though I do have a glow-in-the-dark mask and a T-Shirt from my recent Broadway experience.   
  
That is all.  
  
Premise: (In case you skipped the summary. Don't know why you would...) The characters are stuck performing Phantom of the Opera over and over and over and they are all a bit fed up with their roles. Watch me have fun completely messing things up.  
  
(The characters are sitting around after a particularly trying performance)  
  
Erik: Did you see that? The stupid technician lowered the angel statue too early tonight. And then he brought it up too quickly. I almost died! He should be fired...or punjabbed! [takes out punjab lasso]  
  
Christine: [rolls eyes] Oh, put that away and stop complaining. I'd love to have a little break behind the statue. But noooo, I have to be out there singing the whole time.  
  
Raoul: [cutting in] You two think you have it bad. I have to dive through the stage into a 'lake' and almost get killed! And sing while I'm being 'almost killed'! And people always misunderstand my character. [pouts slightly]  
  
Madame Giry: Yeah, why do people always assume that I'm mean?  
  
Meg: And that I'm ditzy?  
  
Carlotta: And that I [really] sing like this?  
  
Andre/Firmin: [in unison] And that we have no personality!  
  
All: I hate my role!  
  
[Authoress pops in eating a schmouffle.]  
  
Authoress: Well, then, let's add a new dimension. I propose an experimental character swap.  
  
Madame Giry: Who are you?  
  
Authoress: Doesn't matter. I'm not even technically supposed to be here-it's just a matter of time before the TAWP drags me away.  
  
Raoul: T...A-W-P? Wha?  
  
Authoress: Terrible Author/Authoress Write-in Preventers. But anyway, do you think you could handle it?  
  
Meg: the character swap? Sure.  
  
Everybody: [nods in agreement, each person making random jokes about how much better they'd be in another role] Yeah, sounds good, etc.  
  
Authoress: Alright! Well, then, here's the list and feel free to change octaves at any time.  
  
[Authoress poofs] [as in, dissappears]  
  
All: Oooo  
  
Madame Giry: [examines list] Ok, looks like... the Phantom and Christine get to switch places [Christine giggles and Erik quirks an eyebrow and gives an amused half-grin], Raoul gets to be Meg and vice versa [Raoul and Meg exchange puzzled looks and wonder about the sanity of the Authoress], Carlotta switches places with Firmin and I get to be Andre and he gets to be me. [indifferent shrugs from the last four]  
  
Andre: So...what do we do now?  
  
Firmin: We don't have to...switch costumes, do we?  
  
Everyone: [looks rather horrified at the suggestion because, as you might have realized, each character is now playing a character of the opposite gender]  
  
[Authoress pops back in]  
  
Authoress: NO! No, don't do that. Although, Christine: it might be helpful if you had a mask and a cape  
  
Christine: Ok. [pulls out freakishly small mask that fits her face]  
  
Erik: [gives her his cape, which is waaaay too big for her]  
  
Authoress: Ok, crisis averted. [poofs]  
  
--------------------------------------------------  
  
AN: It gets better, I promise. I just got really impatient to upload, so I made this the first chapter. 


	2. The Prologue and Random Insanity

Disclaimer: I own a copy of the OED [hugs OED] but I own not Phantom.  
  
[Meg sits down in Raoul's wheelchair and the other characters take their places for the Prologue. She begins swinging her legs]  
  
Kristin: [walks onstage] Ladies and Gentlemen! May I have your attention? Until my dear friend Emily comes back down to earth, I'm going to have to fill in a few details that she seems to have ignored. The Porter and the Auctioneer get to switch places. Not like anyone cares. Oh, and Piangi and Reyer switch. That's all I can think of at the moment; I'll additional assignments as needed.   
  
Emily, AKA Authoress: [pops in] What are you doing?  
  
Kristin: Trying to help you out.  
  
Emily: Or you could be pestering me because I never finished my Billy Budd parody and you were looking forward to the Salsa party at the end.  
  
Kristin: Me? Pester!? Never. [tries to look innocent]  
  
Emily: Ok. Wanna stay and watch?  
  
Kristin: Sure.  
  
Emily: Yay! Now we can continue.  
  
Porter: Sold! Your Number? Thanks, man. Ok, lot somethingsomething: a bunch of skulls on a piece of plywood. Says here we're asking 10,000 francs, but you're all too cheap to--  
  
[thankfully, he is cut off by Meg, who has lost control of the wheelchair and is now rolling rapidly towards the edge of the stage]  
  
Meg: AHHHHHH! HELP!  
  
[Unfortunately, the closest person, the Auctioneer, hasn't had this much excitement in about 200 years and drops dead of a heart attack]  
  
Meg: Someone DO something!  
  
[Fortunately, Erik has suavely waltzed onto the stage to see what the commotion is. Thinking quickly, he pulls out his punjab lasso and ropes the back of the wheelchair in a truly Indiana Jones-esque movement only an instant before Meg would have plunged to her PERIL]  
  
Christine: Oh, Erik! You're my hero! [hugs him]  
  
Raoul: Umm, he just saved Meg, not you.  
  
Christine: And?  
  
[Raoul's attention turns to the wheelchair]  
  
Raoul: I never knew it would go so fast! Wow, I have to try that!   
  
[He proceeds to get into the wheelchair and start it off. he almost immediately loses control]  
  
Raoul: AAAAAIIIEEEE! Somebody help!  
  
[Erik, Christine, Meg, the Porter, and the bidders exchange looks]  
  
All: Nahh.  
  
Raoul: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOO!   
  
[Raoul's voice fades as crashing sounds are heard]  
  
Emily: Umm, any Raoul-sympathizers in the house? Somebody needs to go check on him...  
  
Kristin: [looks around] Oh, I'll do it! [marches over to the wreck. After a moment, she comes back moaning and obviously in distress]  
  
Emily: What happened??  
  
Kristin: Well, he hit his head when he fell and when he woke up...he thought I was Christine!  
  
Both: UGH!  
  
Emily: What did you do?  
  
Kristin: I got one of the chorus girls to take care of him. She's bandaging his head at the moment.   
  
Emily: She must be new here...  
  
Kristin: Started yesterday.  
  
Emily: Well that explains that.  
  
Meg: Umm, can we get back to play now?  
  
Emily: Right! Umm, that was pretty much the Prologue--  
  
Porter: We didn't even--  
  
Emily: But it's boring. Skip to the bit about the chandelier.  
  
Porter: Ok, whatever, dude.   
  
Emily and Kristin: -ette!  
  
Porter: Dudette, whatever. Don't have a cow. [clears throat] Perhaps we may frighten away the ghost of so many years ago with a little illumination! Homeys?  
  
Emily: That's 'g-e-n-t-l-e-m-e-n'! Argh, we have to fire this guy.  
  
Porter: Actually, seein's how the real Auctioneer croaked a minute ago, you're going to need me.  
  
Kristin: [loud sigh] Okay, we may be able to keep you if you can learn to fake the poise and eloquence of the lately late Auctioneer.  
  
Porter: Can do!  
  
Emily: Shut up, you two! We're missing the Overture!  
  
---------------------------------------------------  
  
AN: I really was writing a Billy Budd parody earlier...I need to finish that sometime. And, in case anyone was mildly curious and/or picked up on it: a 'schmouffle' is my general term for any of my various unusual sandwhich creations I make and consume when I have the time. 


	3. The Overture, Think of Me, and Twinkies

AN: As a side note, Erik just isn't as...Eriky without his cape, so he'll be wearing his backup cape for the duration of this story. Thank you.

* * *

_The Overture plays. During the whole thing, everyone hears mysterious whispers, seemingly coming from all over the theatre. But none of the cast members really care and the two viewers are too enthralled by the display onstage to turn their heads and try to ascertain the source of the sounds. They cease as soon as Raoul walks onstage and starts singing._

Raoul: These troooooooooooophies! From our saviours, from our saviours! From the enslaving force of ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME!

Emily: DAAAAAAAHHH! What are you doing? You were supposed to switch places with M-- wait a minute. You just sang that in the correct octave. [pales]

Kristin: And what's worse: he sounded better than Carlotta.

Raoul: [proudly] I did and you know it! Now let me be Carlotta for the rest of the scene or I'll tell the TAWP president that you just sent all of his agents on a "mission" to the Sahara Desert.

Emily: [furious] How did you find out about that?! [reconsiders, gets evil grin on her face] Now I have to kill you.

New Chorus Girl: (the one who bandaged his head earlier) NOOOO! You can't do that! He's so handsome and friendly and Erik is so...creepy.

Emily: Pamela?? Is that you?? How can you possibly like him? I mean, he's...he's...

Erik: A fop?

Emily: Yes, thank you. A fop! [moans] Where did I go wrong?

[All gasp]

Meg: You mean...

Emily: Yes. It's true. I introduced her to the Phantom of the Opera in all its glorious splendor... [sobs] **I have failed!**

Kristin: Oh, don't hold it against yourself. It's not your fault she likes soprano boy.

Erik: [thinks: hmm, if Raoul is occupied with Pamela, then...] Besides, I'm sure she'll warm up to me. [grins and gives a short, low chuckle]

[All Erik phangirls: now is your chance to swoon.]

Carlotta: [who has a notebook out ready to take notes on Raoul's performance] May we continue now?

Emily: Right. On with the show!

_The entire cast breaks into The Show Must Go On from Moulin Rouge. Emily and Kristin join in._

All: The show must go oooooon! The show must go ooooon!

Erik: [expressively] Outside the dawn is breaking on the stage that holds our final destiny!

All: The show must go oooooon! The show must go ooooon!

Meg: Inside my heart is breaking

Raoul: My makeup may be flaking [receives weird looks]

Emily: But my smile still stays on!

All: The show must go oooooon! The show must go ooooon!

Raoul: Aghem. May I sing now? Uninterrupted??

Emily: Well, if you must. [sneaks everyone a pair of earplugs]

Raoul: ...hear the drums! Hannibal coooooooooomes!

_But in the ensuing silence, an altercation can now be heard..._

Reyer: Look, I've been doing this enough to know that it is indeed 'Rome' not 'Roma'--

Piangi: Si, but the first time you're supposed to get it wrong. You say 'Roma' not 'Rome'--

Reyer: But-- but I'm incapable of getting it wrong! I'm paid to be right all the time!

Emily: Think of it as character building.

Reyer: [whimpers] I'm going to need therapy after this.

_Silence._

Christine: Umm, we don't have a Lefevre.

Kristin: [steps down] I'll be Lefevre! What do I do?

Christine: Just show the new managers around.

Kristin: Oook. So this is the set of Hannibal, and people are practicing and stuff. [indicates] There's Christine, Meg, Madame Giry, Carlotta, Piangi, Reyer, and some other random people, like...Agent Mulder???

Agent Mulder: (from X-Files) The aliens are in league with the Nazis! And they built a robot army to steal all the twinkies!

Raoul: NOT THE TWINKIES!

Emily: Why twinkies?

Agent Mulder: Because...[looks around suspiciously] They're the government's secret source of power! Apparently, the alien and Nazi alliance also sent every last TAWP member to the Sahara Desert on a decoy mission. Normally, we have coping procedures, but without the twinkies--they're all stranded there!

Raoul: Umm, that wasn't the Nazis, it--[Emily glares, Erik pulls out his punjab lasso, and Christine makes the little throat cut sign, just as--]

Agent Scully: [walks in] What's going on here?

Mulder: I was just...umm...

Scully: [surveys the scene] You weren't possibly relating your latest theory involving aliens and Nazis, were you?

Kristin: [thinking quickly] Here are your two tickets to Thursday evening's performance, Agent Mulder! [hands him the tickets]

[Scully raises her eyebrow while Mulder tries to look innocent]

Scully: I can't wait. But right now, we have paperwork to complete, right Mulder?

Mulder: [sulks] Right...[follows Scully out]

Carlotta and Giry: [as the managers] ...Ok.

Kristin: [raises eyebrow] So umm, Carlotta's going to sing for you now, right?

Raoul: Right!

Kristin: Ok, so M. Reyer, if you please?

Piangi: Certainly! [plays the intro surprisingly well]

Raoul: Think of me, think of me fondly...[he continues]  
That once again you long  
To take your heart--AAAAHHHHHHHHH!

_The set has crashed to the stage a bit too close to Raoul_

[whiningly] That thing almost hit me!

Emily: [who has somehow worked her way onstage] Too bad it missed.

Erik: [grins] Maybe next time it won't.

Raoul: [shakily] No next time for me. I mean, I'm not an idiot.

_Everyone looks at him as if to say, "and you're sure of this?"_

Raoul: Umm...well, I...

Pamela: Awww, of course he's not. hugs Raoul to comfort him

_Emily and Kristin shake their heads._

Emily: Only you could feel sorry for--

_But she is cut off as another set crashes to the stage, this time smothering Raoul underneath its billowing folds!_

Erik: [snickers] Well, that takes care of that. And now--  
[He sings expressively and in _his own octave_ might I add.]  
Think of me  
Think of me fondly  
When we've said goodbye  
Remember me  
Ev'ry so often--

Pamela: Wait...wait wait wait. That's not right.

Erik: It's the Broadway version

Emily: You have _no idea_ how much that freaked me out when I heard it the first time.

Erik: [continues to sing] ...There will never be a day  
When I won't think of you!

Meg: Can it be?  
Can it be Christine?

Emily: I mean, I was actually sitting the Majestic trying to sing along and--

Meg: ...He may not remember me  
But I remember him!

Emily: Wait, wait. 'Him' does not rhyme with 'were'.

Meg: But...but...do you want me to call Erik... [dramatic pause] _a girl?!_

[All gasp]

Emily: Well you already called him 'Christine'.

Meg: True. But...but I don't want to tick him off.

Emily: But artistically--

Kristin: Emily.

Emily: What?

Kristin: Leave it.

Emily: But...

Kristin: I'll tell them about the incident with the postage stamps and the vegetables if you don't--

Emily: Oooook, moving right along!

[Erik finishes the song with a masterful crescendo]

Emily: sniffle That was beautiful!

Erik: Well I did teach Christine everything she knows

Christine: And that my father didn't teach me.

Erik: ...right.

Christine: Oh, and Erik?

Erik: [fairly purring] Yes, my dear?

Christine: What's with all the beadwork on this cape? It..._sparkles_.

Raoul: Oooo it does! Pretty sparkles!

Erik: [snarls] Shut up! Or the next 'sparkles' you see will be from my flaming skull head of DOOM! [Reaches inside his (backup) cloak for skull head staff] Grrr, where is it?

Christine: Looking for this? [holds out staff]

Erik: [growls, mumbles]

Christine: [hands the staff to him] I'm beginning to think this cape is your secret source of power...

Erik: [indigant] It most certainly--

Meg: [riding the zip line from the box down to the stage] Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Raoul: I didn't know we had a zip line...

Pamela: We do now, apparently.

Raoul: Oooo, it looks like fun! I've got to try!

Pamela: Raoul! No, your head--

But it is too late. Raoul has grabbed the handles and started to make his descent. Unfortunately, he sees the ground nearing and panicks.

Raoul: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

He then lets go of the handles a bit too early, crashes to the stage, and succeeds in rolling off of it. Again. But this time he tries to catch himself with his hands and both of his wrists break on impact!

Raoul: ...ow.

Pamela: [sigh] Does he do this all the time?

All: [nodding] Yeah, pretty much.

* * *

AN: Hmm, so I cut out some stuff and added some stuff...much better I think. 


End file.
